Smooth
by BluWhispers
Summary: Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke’s chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, crossdressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsapeople grins evilly
1. Chapter 1

**Smooth**

**Chapter 1**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of the characters that you will recognize from various anime, manga, games, books and movies.

**Warning: **This fic might disturb many of you. Firstly, it is YAOI. Meaning, GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY _explicitly_. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though ) Secondly, the author's blatant misuse of characters might send many of you running. Thirdly, well…read at your own risk.

**A/N:** I got the idea from my older sister. Hope you guys like it. This fic will have a different tone from Nine Lives. Basically, this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. These are NOT journal entries per se. This is Sasuke thinking of what to write in the journal.

**Summary:** Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke's chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, cross-dressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsa-people (grins evilly), NejiSasu, KakaIru, NejiGaara, and lots more!

Rikouchan, this is a gift for you!!!

………………………………………………..

I guess you must be wondering why someone like me, with so many people to do, would bother to sit down and painstakingly put the story of my life onto paper.

Well, there was this girl.

Yeah, I know there's always a girl, but this one was different. She was not beautiful, at best only pretty. Her lips were too full, her right eye was slightly smaller than her left, her eyelids mismatched. She had non-existent eyelashes (then again I'm used to girls wearing fake eyelashes and scrolls of mascara), and she didn't seem to have heard of the phenomenon called make-up. Her body reflected a healthy appetite, and her flat chest (bear in mind, I'm used to females with C-cups and push ups) and tan lines showed her affinity for the pool.

Nevertheless her cheeks were rosy, her hair was wavy, and she had this…_way_ when she walked or talked or did that sideways smile with a slight tilt of the head…the way her hair caressed her slender neck and fell across her shoulders…I'm an expert with women, I can always pinpoint a certain part of a woman that attracts men to her, but with this girl, I could only hazard a guess.

So anyway, I saw her at the local Starbucks. And I tried to chat her up, using my signature Uchiha Sasuke charm, but she seemed completely unimpressed. I figured she was lesbian, and I was just planning a threesome when she jumped up to greet someone enthusiastically. And I mean, REALLY enthusiastically.

I looked up and saw her lip-locked with a tall brunette, whose bangs fell across one eye and who probably used as much gel as I did. When she pulled back, I understood why she wasn't interested in me. This guy was gorgeous, from his one visible sparkling green eye to that model's physique, to the way he just stood there looking at me. If he wasn't already taken, I would have jumped him.

…Anyway as I was saying, so the girl was taken. Small loss. I had plenty more waiting. But as I made to get up, she asked me to join them for a drink. I was curious so I played along. Turns out she's a writer, and she likes collecting stories from everyone she meets. So she asked me if I could keep a journal and give it to her. Surprising myself, I said yes. I mean, why would someone with as many secrets as me keep a journal and pass it to a complete stranger, even if that stranger exuded a kind of allure that I had never before encountered? She raised an eyebrow at me, saying she didn't expect me to do it for free, of course. I started planning my threesome again, when she said that she'd let me make out/have sex with her boyfriend in exchange for my journal. Who was I to say no to the horizontal tango with this Adonis?

We went to his place. It was a nifty converted warehouse, done up in minimalist design, with a few bohemian elements thrown in for character. She left us to our business, saying something about getting me a journal. Boy was I glad I came, pun intended.

Three hours later I was home, sated, exhausted, and clutching a leather bound book to my chest. My journal drew questions from my uncle's lover, though my uncle himself couldn't really be bothered with my book. To him, the only things worth reading had to contain plenty of hard-core smut.

And so my journey into the chronicling of my life began. Oh, the girl's name was Smoke. And her boyfriend is Trowa.

…………………….

If Einstein's Theory of Relativity likened time to a piece of paper, then this journal of mine would be a freakin' origami crane. I don't like allotting a before, now and after. I think that everything centers on the now, everything that came before and everything that will come after are concentrated on the present moment, the present is directly linked to the past and future. So why should we split up our lives into different time frames? For instance, I could be sitting in a café NOW, but I could be thinking about the future while looking at a relic from my past.

Smoke, I wish you good luck in deciphering my journal. Heh, wouldn't it have been easier just to sleep with me?

……………………

My name is Uchiha Sasuke, and I am a conman. No, I do not cheat little old ladies of their pension funds. I'm sure you know of Danny Ocean, the guy that George Clooney played in that show Ocean's 11? Well, I'm the Mr. Ocean of the real world. I'm suave, smooth, and I can get anything. I could probably con the Pope into giving me his title, if I wanted. But I wasn't interested in some holy title, since I was anything BUT holy. So I contented myself with tricking filthy rich people into parting with lots of money or valuables. I'm filthy rich myself, but that's beside the point.

My parents were CIA, though they both came from well-to-do families. I mean, which law enforcement officer owned several multi-million dollar apartments? My dad was the son of a famous surgeon, my mom was born into a powerful political family. We led the perfect life, until my older brother Itachi got jilted by his lover, Shisui. He came home, killed my parents and grandparents in front of me, and left to become a world-famous assassin. I can't really blame the cops for not being able to catch him, after all Itachi and I were raised by the BEST of the cops. Me? I got taken in by some ex-Secret Service dude with wacky silver hair. His name is Kakashi, and he was my uncle, of sorts.

Let me explain. My paternal grandfather was a world famous neurosurgeon, who also happened to be an ophthalmologist (eye surgeon). He had crafted this nifty micro-chip that he embedded in the eyes of all the males in the Uchiha family. Basically, it's linked to the brain and somehow or other it enables you to copy whatever you see, and in some cases hypnotize others. Thing is, it's only compatible with Uchiha DNA, meaning that we are the only ones with power over the damn chip. When we use the chip's power, our irises and the whites of our eyes turn red, and a swirling 666 appears around our pupils, thanks to the weird electrical energy the chip causes. The chip itself runs on solar energy garnered by absorbing whatever light that falls onto our eyes. This funky piece of biotechnology is called the Sharingan, and there were less than 10 of us in the world who possessed it.

So anyway, as I was saying. Since the Sharingan is given only to Uchiha males, and technically only an Uchiha can use the damn thing, it is sort of an identification of Uchihas. Kakashi was best friends with some relative of mine, named Uchiha Obito. They were on a mission, Kakashi's left eye got slashed, the entire right side of Obito's body was crushed, and when Kakashi came home alone, he had one blue eye, and one Sharingan eye. So since Kakashi had the Sharingan, that made him family. Though he mostly keeps it covered because he doesn't have the ability to turn it off and on at will.

When Itachi massacred my entire extended family, I feared I would be thrown into one of those creepy orphanages where if you ask for more food, you start a musical. (I'm a fan of the classics). But Kakashi came along, Sharingan'd the welfare officers, and I became the nephew of the silver haired cyclops.

What's Kakashi like? Well, he's laid-back and tall. And he's still really fit, considering he's now a counselor for troubled teens down at the neighborhood school. His lover, Iruka, teaches English, and between the two of them they manage to keep teens off the streets and between sheets. By my estimates, the gay population around here has risen since Kakashi got together with Iruka. I suspect my dear uncle hypnotizes all the naughty little boys into doing it with each other. Uncle always told me that counseling at high school was a lot like being in the SS. The tricks and skills employed by creative students these days would put terrorists to shame.

I heard that uncle has a fanclub of sorts. People find him mysterious and cool, with his head band pulled over his left eye and a black mask covering the bottom half of his face permanently. I think he looks like an idiotic scarecrow. His fanclub doesn't know the truth about his past or what lies beneath the head band, so they make up alternate lives for him, with everything ranging from him being a ninja to phantom of the opera. It's pretty amusing, actually.

When I was younger, I used to wish that Kakashi would just drop the mask and be normal, coz I was suffering from nightmares over the mask and what lay beneath it. So my sweet uncle sent me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me as having some sort of identity complex and a healthy paranoia syndrome. That was as far as she got before her mini-skirt and g-string (she was a sexy psychiatrist) were on the floor and she was working hard for her $150 an hour. I impressed Kakashi with my desire to be treated of my nightmares, visiting my dear doctor religiously until I found out she had been psycho-analyzing the sex. I dumped her straight away. I mean, who the hell analyzes the thought processes behind each thrust and grunt and suck? Since then, I've stayed away from all those in the medical profession, unless they were blondes or nurses.

……………………….

You're probably wondering at the timeline of events now, Smoke. Well, I did say I wasn't gonna be specific. But for your information, I lost my virginity at 12, to my very hot babysitter. How did I get in her pants and please her at such a tender age? Well, Kakashi has lots of porn in the house. Heck, everything that isn't mine is porn, from the videos to the books to the wallpaper in the living room to his coffee mug. So I learned early. My first french kiss was when I was 9, and the 18 year old kept coming back for more. I wasn't surprised, even then. I'm an Uchiha. We're born with a legendary charm.

When did I visit the psychiatrist? I was 13, and that was my first and last encounter with psycho-analysts.

……………………………..

Anyway, let me introduce Iruka, my uncle's long-time lover. He's pretty mild as well, but he has one helluva temper. I still remember the times when uncle pissed the brunette off. We'd end up having to check into a motel in the next town as Iruka rampaged about the neighborhood. He's nice though, and he acts more like a parent (surrogate or not) than my blasted guardian. Iruka's the one who dragged Kakashi along to my basketball games, helped me out with school work, took me shopping for clothes, watched over me when I was ill, and yelled at me for cutting classes. Kakashi showed no interest in any activities of mine that were non-criminal in nature. When he found out that I was cutting classes, he gave me more ideas on how to avoid getting caught. When he saw me copying some nerd's homework, he taught me to use Sharingan in classes and tests. Of course, Iruka found out and Kakashi had to endure two days of celibacy as punishment.

How did Kakashi and Iruka get together? Well, uncle didn't seduce 'ruka in the staff room or classroom, and there were no teacher-student routines. **I** was the matchmaker.

You see, it is very uncomfortable for a child to see his surrogate father pining away for someone yet not daring to act on his emotions, so out of the goodness of my heart I set out to woo Iruka for my uncle.

…Actually, Uncle K masturbated a lot more, fueled by his fantasies of his "dolphin". I swear the man is sick. But anyway, I was so fed up with coming home to a naked uncle and the scent of sex in the living room that I decided to do something about this infatuation. Maybe if Iruka and Kakashi got together, the sex would move to Kakashi's bedroom, and I wouldn't have to keep cleaning the sofas.

My opportunity came when Iruka set us a poem-writing assignment. The title had to start with the letter K (even then I found it odd how Iruka simply adored anything that started with the letter K). This is what my poem was like:

_K_

_My uncle's name is K_

_He's so gay_

_When he comes, Iruka he'll say_

_Just fucking boink him for me, OK? _

I handed up my assignment on a Tuesday afternoon. Wednesday morning I woke up to find Iruka making breakfast in the kitchen, naked save for a pair of Kakashi's pants. Mission accomplished. Iruka pretty much lived with us after that, not that I minded. While uncle's a fantastic cook, he can't make anything that's not Western. Iruka though, makes a mean ramen, and he can whip me up practically anything I can think of.

……………………………….

I think I've been nice enough, so now it's time to talk about ME. I'll be 22 this July. I'm 6'1", and I have a drool-worthy body. I use lots of gel to style my bluish-black hair, and I have eyes as dark as sin when I deactivate my Sharingan. Since I graduated from high school, I have made a name for myself as one of the top conmen in the world. They don't know who I really am, obviously, so they call me Ocean, after Danny Ocean. My numerous lovers know me by different names, ranging from Zack to Recca to Muraki to Jack. I have about 100 cell phones with 100 different numbers, and I have 18 top-end cars and 5 racing bikes. I have many homes, but my favorite residence is my villa in Los Angeles, California. In fact, I'm here now, as I've just returned from swindling some English Lady of artifacts that the well-endowed beauty claimed to have acquired through tomb-raiding. I find that it's getting too easy, smooth-talking others into parting with sentimental items. I can't help it if I'm born with this face that could definitely launch a thousand ships. Women love my smirk, the sinful knowledge in my eyes, and my toned physique. Men love the power I exude, the promise of pleasure in my touch. All my lovers adored my looks, my wealth, and my charm. I DID mention that the Uchiha charm is legendary. I suppose I should thank my ancestors for the superior genes that enable me to get into bed with anyone I want, and get away with their valuables.

I'm living the high life and I know it. I have men and women begging me to take them, I have the finest selection of alcohols and cigarettes this side of the Atlantic, I'm rich, I travel to beautiful places and spend my nights with beautiful lovers, and I'm untouchable. I can't be caught, because apart from Kakashi, Iruka, Itachi and my cousin, Neji, no one knows who I truly am. And so, I continue moving from place to place, lover to lover, no one can tie me down, no one can put me behind bars. I'm the cat's pyjamas, I'm James Bond, I'm Brad Pitt, I'm a Sex God.

Did I mention I'm humble too?

……………………………

Neji was just here. I guess I should introduce him, anyway. He's my cousin. To be more precise, he's my mom's cousin's ex-wife's sister-in-law's step-brother's great-aunt's granddaughter's son. He pretty much resembles me, though, in a sense that he's a total player, he's gorgeous, and he's got a nifty eye-ability. Not to mention he's rich and from a law-enforcement family that died when he was a kid. Now he works in the CIA. I forgot his actual post, but basically I know that he's high-ranking enough to know everything that's going on in the agency. He's 23 this year, a child-prodigy like me. He's also part of the reason why I'm not in jail.

To repay him for leaking out vital information and therefore saving my ass so many times, I let him have it. My ass, I mean. Since we're definitely only distantly related, it's not a sin to sleep with each other. I doubt I would have refused sex with him even if it was a ticket to hell. He's hot and charming, like me. His long dark hair is a fucking turn-on when he lets it brush against me, and he knows just how to do me. I wouldn't say that we're dating, as we both sleep with other people regularly. But we have wild, satisfying sex every time we see each other. After, when we're both languid and sated, he'll tell me just what the Law is planning to do to get the notorious Ocean. We'll do it a couple more times, then I'll go off and con someone somewhere, and he'll put on his suit and go back to office and play his role as their poster boy. All in all, a very fulfilling relationship.

The reason why Neji popped by would be obvious if you could see me now. I'm panting slightly still, my face is flushed, my hair is messed, and my clothes are scattered all over the living rooms, kitchen, dining room, patio, and garage. Now, I'm going to take a bath before I get changed and head out with him.

………………………………

Well, bath's over, and I'm looking in my full-length mirror now. I've just finished smoothing my hands down my red shirt. The sleeves are long, and the shirt is open at the neck as it dips low to expose most of my chest. It's held together by a few strings at my collarbones and across my chest, and the material is translucent and shimmering. I've paired it with my black leather pants that hang low on my hips, and my black boots. Neji took one look at me and trounced me up, which resulted in me having to take a second shower. Heh. I know I'm sexy.

We're going to Konohagakure. It roughly translates as "Hidden Leaf Village". Well, the leaves might be hidden, but the fruits are ripe for picking at Konoha. It's the hottest club this side of USA, and only the beautiful and/or rich are allowed in. Licking my lips, I think that maybe Neji and I should pick a few partners and have a wild orgy tonight. I'm in the mood to fuck and be fucked into next year.

We leave for the club at last, me in my Gallardo, Neji driving my Enzo. We pull up in front of the club with panache, and the crowd parts for us, and we walk in, two gods among mortals. I have to say that Neji looks delicious, with his dark jeans sagging dangerously low on his hips, and his white muscle-tee showing off his incredible body. His hair is loose and swinging, he knows he looks sexier like that. Already we are surrounded by beauties, male and female. Smirking, I make my way to the bar, Neji following behind me.

The song is Sexy by Shawn Desman, I'm having my third Graveyard, and Neji's finishing his fifth whiskey when I spot The Kitsune. I was just thinking of taking the red head with the barely concealed C-cups out on the dance floor when a flash of the laser beams show the famous fox in the middle of the sweaty, pulsing bodies.

_She was unlike anything I've ever seen.  
Body so bad so I said _

_"I got to be that one man leaving tonight with your hand in mine".  
Oh whats your name, push up on me, do your thang.  
I love that you have no shame,  
So sexy I feel your game._

The Kitsune, from what I've heard, is male. He's called the Kitsune because of the extraordinary effect he has on people, AND because when he dresses up like a girl (as he invariably does), he looks foxier than Beyonce in her music videos. I see him now clearly, his blond hair just-out-of-bed-messy, his body gyrating to the rhythm of Kelis's Milkshake. He's wearing four-inch red strappy stilletoes, and he has somehow managed to squeeze himself into a micro-mini leather skirt that just covers the essentials. His top is a midriff-baring strings affair, showing off his taut stomach and the glittering of a navel-piercing.

He's looking at me.

I can feel the pull of his charisma even halfway across the club. He raises a hand, toys with his nipples, keeping his gaze on mine. My mouth turns dry and I down my drink hastily, quickly setting it aside. The music changes, it's 50 Cent and Olivia, singing Candy Shop. I can see the Kitsune smirk as he puts on a performance for my benefit.

_I'll take you to the candy shop_

_Boy one taste of what I got_

_I'll have you spending all you got_

_Keep going 'til you hit the spot_

He's mouthing the lyrics, his tongue flicking out to lick his luscious lips. His hips are moving in such a way that can only be described as obscene, and his hands…blood is thundering through my veins, I'm struggling to maintain my famous Uchiha cool. It's hard, I'M hard. I have to have him.

Lips touching my ear shock me, for a second I hoped it was the Kitsune, but he was on the dance floor and I was at the bar. Neji is talking, telling me to go get him. I don't need anymore encouragement. I start towards the foxy blonde, just as the music shifts to B2K's Take it to the Floor.

_Now let's go (let's go)  
You want it (you want it)  
Then you better get ready cuz this what you gon' get  
Anyway you want it  
We can take it to the WINDOW to the WALL (or better yet)_

We can take it to the floor (we can take it to the floor)  
Tell me what you wanna do with me (tell me what you wanna do with me)  
We can take it to the floor  
Baby you don't wanna fool with me

I reach him and the feeling of that lithe body suddenly pressed up against me is almost enough to make me come then and there. However, I've been bedding people for 10 years, if anything I'm a professional at the art of seduction and sex. Reigning in my raging hormones, I flash my trademark smirk, the one that oozes carnal knowledge and the promise of more. The Kitsune smirks in return.

_Now I don't know who you think you are  
But trust when I go, believe I go hard (so hard)  
So strong baby all night long  
I don't stop till the break of dawn (break of dawn)  
See mine is an all out war  
I bet you leave here with your back sore  
Cuz I got wat you're lookin for  
Have 'em comin back like GIMME SOME MORE_

My hands are on his hips, I'm in control of the situation. At least that's what I'd like to think. This close I can see the kohl lining his eyes, the mascara making his eyelashes the envy of any girl.

My thumbs are stroking his exposed hip bones slowly, drawing sensual circles around the angled bones that point towards the pleasure zone. Drawing him close, I grind our hips together, delighted when I see his eyes half-close and his mouth open in what I'm sure is a moan. Teasingly, I move our joined groins together, and this time his eyes do close all the way and he's letting me guide him in this mating dance.

I slide one hand up, drawing him close to whisper in his ear.

"How would you like me to fuck you senseless, Kitsune?"

Warm breath against my neck, the slightest vibration of a moan is my answer. The top of his head reaches my nose when he's wearing these heels, he's of average height. I don't mind his flat chest, we're pressed so close this way, our bodies appearing fused to the indifferent observer.

A slick tongue licking a very sensitive spot on my neck stuns me. Then his mouth latches onto my jugular and he sucks hard, while his hands are suddenly inside my shirt, brushing teasingly over my nipples. I grit my teeth against the onslaught, two can play this game. I'm not called the modern-day Casanova for nothing.

I grip his thighs, yank. He's a quick learner, wrapping his legs around my waist as I hoist him up. In this new position, the friction feels…oh God…I'm sorry what was I saying before?

PCD are singing Buttons so sultrily to the club, and the Kitsune's singing in my ear. His voice is low, more of sexual tremors against my ear. I FEEL more than hear that seductive melody.

_I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby  
But you keep fronting  
Saying what you going to do to me  
But I ain't seen nothing yet_

If he's mocking me, I swear I'll make him regret it. Does he actually doubt ME, the great Uchiha Sasuke?

I put him back on his feet, rolling my hips against his lewdly when he gives me a questioning glance. I smirk at him, take his hand, and lead him out of the club and into my bed. I don't think I need to tell you exactly what we did, Smoke, but suffice to say he won't be able to walk at all when he wakes up. If you really need a hint, why don't you view the video you took of me and Trowa? Heh. I really must remember to get a copy of that.

A/N: Well, that's finished! It was…hard writing the sexual parts. So sue me, but I'm pretty shy (wink). What do you guys think? Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Smooth**

**Chapter 2**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of the characters that you will recognize from various anime, manga, games, books and movies.

**Warning: **This fic might disturb many of you. Firstly, it is YAOI. Meaning, GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY _explicitly_. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though ) Secondly, the author's blatant misuse of characters might send many of you running. Thirdly, well…read at your own risk.

**A/N:** I got the idea from my older sister. Hope you guys like it. This fic will have a different tone from Nine Lives. Basically, this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. These are NOT journal entries per se. This is Sasuke thinking of what to write in the journal.

**Summary:** Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke's chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, cross-dressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsa-people (grins evilly), NejiSasu, KakaIru, NejiGaara, and lots more!

Rikouchan, this is a gift for you!

Also, thanks for the reviews everyone! It's great knowing that you guys like my work. I'll do better for you guys. I try to reply to each review individually, (Yeah, I'm from the old school) but it's kinda hard to do that for the anonymous souls. So anyway, this is a great big THANK YOU to all you guys who reviewed.

……………………………

I am glorious, I am legendary, I am incredible, I am Uchiha Sasuke.

Honestly, that about sums it up. Neji always tells me he's proud of my modesty. Isn't that sweet of him?

I awake with a warm body tangled around me. The evil, evil sun can't get us here. My room is protected by visors on the windows. The only light in the room is coming from the doorway leading to the study. In that dim glow, I can see that Kitsune is about my age. His make-up had rubbed off over the course of the night and our activities, but even without it his face was incredibly pretty. He had a kind of cherubic innocence, which, added to his blonde hair, lent him a strangely angelic appeal.

I squinted. Were those…ah yes, the famous whiskers that had defined the Kitsune at first. On his cheeks, old scars made him bear a resemblance to the fox. I stroke the dark lines with the tip of my finger, delighting in the way he follows my movements. Even in sleep, he's begging for more.

Normally, I wouldn't deny him. But I am in desperate need of a shower, cigarettes and coffee, in that order. So I crawl manfully out of bed, and I couldn't care less if I wake the Kitsune. I'm awake, so he has no right to still be asleep.

I'm clean, but on the verge of collapse. I manage to reach the kitchen, where some brilliant servant left a huge pot of godsent Turkish coffee waiting for me. I adore thee, slaves!

I gulp down the java, and I know I look like a drug addict (Neji told me that two years ago) but at least I look like a sexy drug addict.

Once I've downed my weight in caffeine, I pick up the tray laden with a very energizing breakfast and head back to my room. The poor Kitsune definitely needed something to pick himself up, after that intense night with me. I couldn't help it if I was the best thing that had ever happened to civilization.

I reach the room, it is strangely silent. I nudge the door open. The bed is empty.

That's odd. He shouldn't be able to walk, not after what I did to his ass.

I set the tray down, approach the bathroom. It is silent and dark, just like my entire wing.

I'm stumped. This is unheard of, unbelievable. NO ONE has ever left me after tasting my talents. Hmm…maybe he didn't leave. He's probably in the portrait room looking at my pictures! (The portrait room has ONLY my pictures).

I rush out, as I near the room I smooth my hair back. I know I'm sexy, but no harm looking more suave. I enter a silent room where my many faces smirk at me. I'm sidetracked for a moment, but there is this lovely nude painting of me doing some very delicious things to a ravishing auburn-haired beauty. Damn. Oh yeah, the Kitsune.

After a frantic search of the mansion, I have come to the very startling conclusion that the Kitsune left me.

AND that he had stolen my favorite pink bunny vibrator.

This meant war.

------------

Neji DARED say that Kitsune made a better girl than me. Well, I'm about to prove him wrong! Alright, so I was drunk when we made the bet. I'm certainly sober now.

I'm wearing a one piece tube dress, the hem of the leather piece barely covering my ass. HIGH black stiletoes glitter with sequins, and I wonder how the hell women stand, let alone walk and dance in these instruments of torture. Neji's putting make up on for me, and briefly I wonder where he picked up this girly skill. Then his hands are in my hair and I'm pissed off. I said I'd be a sexy girl, but he should know not to mess with my mane!

"You have to let it down if you wanna win, Sasuke." He shrugs, uncaring. "It's up to you, though."

…Who the hell does he think he is, telling me how to look good? I am the MASTER at looking fabulous. Gah. So what if my experience at primping only covered the men's area? Scowling, I let him brush my hair out. My room looks like Alcoholics Anonymous had entered in a whirlwind. There's almost a hundred empty bottles on the floor, and cigarette butts cover practically the entire floor. Neji and I have been indulging in heavy inebriation. I've been in mourning for my pink vibrator. It was a present from Britney Spears, I got it when I was 14! It has sentimental value, dammit!

I refuse to acknowledge that Neji's right and I'm in shock over Kitsune leaving me. Heck, I STILL refuse to acknowledge it. I'm sorry, Kitsune who?

Half an hour later, Neji's done. I turn to face him and raise an eyebrow. He's giving me that LOOK, and I smirk. I guess I've just won the bet. I turn to face the mirror, and my jaw drops.

I look hotter than Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, and that's saying something.

I wolf-whistle at myself as I strut towards the mirror. Or rather, as I ATTEMPT to strut. I'd forgotten about the damned heels, and promptly collapse onto Neji. He's knocked out of his lust-induced stupor, and starts laughing at my graceful ways.

"How are you gonna win, 'uke?" He's chuckling like a mad hen.

I growl, shove myself up, making sure to knee him in the groin as I wobble shakily to a standing position. At his pained yell, I feel better about the world instantly. I frown as I look at myself in the mirror. There must be some technique to this whole high heel thing. I frown as I think back on all the models I've dated, and the way they walked when they came down the catwalks in monster heels.

That's it! Catwalk!

I focused on my hips in the mirror, slowly swinging them sensuously from left to right as I made my way over to my reflection. I smirk. I was getting the hang of this girl thing. I glance at Neji in the mirror, he's still on the floor watching me, but he's horny again, I can tell. I wiggle my butt flirtatiously, delighting in the way his pants tent up between his legs.

I was now ready to go out and show the world that Uchiha Sasuke, Sex on Two Legs, was WAY better than Kitsune at being a foxy mama.

-----------

I hate anyone being better than me, or thinking that they're better. I know that Neji might think he's more superior to me, seeing as how I let him ravage my ass whenever he sees me, but he seems to forget that if I didn't LET him, he would've died the minute he tried to get me under him. So if anyone has ANY edge over me, it's only because I LET them have it.

Fucking hell. I hate not being the best. It's unnatural! It goes against all laws of nature!

-------------

As we walk down the street, I can see many people ogling me. They're whistling and trying desperately to look up my virtually non-existent skirt. Men, women…they're all flocking around me and Neji, trying to get their hands on me.

"Hey, silver eyes. Who's that chick you're with?"

I whip around to glare at the questioner. It is surprisingly some guy I recognize, I think it's an ex-classmate. Seifer something or other. Are you telling me he didn't recognize me as the great Uchiha Sasuke? Alright so the people on the streets know me by many names, but they do generally call me Lucifer. Something about me possessing the devil's charm. It's creepy how close they came to guessing my true identity – the Sharingan after all is the 666 of Satan.

HOW COULD ANYONE NOT RECOGNIZE ME?!

Neji's pulling me along, a hand on the small of my back. He's talking now, I'm dimly aware of the words as I conjure up a million different ways to punish Seifer for not realizing who he had been wolf-whistling.

"You really DO look different, 'uke." Neji's giving me a sideways glance, in the neon lights his eyes are freaking me out. I give him a wordless grunt as an answer, and we continue on our way.

We reach a door. There are two ladies standing guard, both of them have their hair sticking up on both sides of their heads. They're dressed the way you'd expect those odd anime characters to dress, but damn if they don't look good. The brunette has her hair in two buns on the top of her head, and her dress is vaguely Chinese, though it's so figure-hugging that I think her ancestors must be rolling in their graves. Blondie is wearing netting, with the barest opaque cloth covering the essentials. She's got two stumpy tails sticking out on top of her head, I think she was trying for the same look as the brunette.

"Who's your friend, sexy?" the one with the buns purrs.

I'm about to answer her, when I realize she had been aiming the question at Neji. Miffed, I glare at her balefully.

"Her name's…"I could tell Neji was dying to spill my real name. Bastard. I tried to think up a female name, and vaguely remembered something about a Lempicka.

"Lolita." My voice, which I've disguised, makes me sound like a lady with a very husky, come-hither set of pipes.

"Hmm…aren't you too old for that?" The blonde with stubby hair gives me a crude once over. Ooh…bitch you're gonna pay for that. I'm still 21 dammit! Oh wait. NOW I remember. Uncle's porn collection, little girls and old men. Fucking hell! I am sure as hell NOT a Lolita!

"Lucy, her name's Lucy." WOW, Neji, why don't you just tell them I'm from Kansas next, and that this is my first time in the BIG city.

"She's from Kansas, and this is her first time in the big city." He gives them both a smirk, and they smirk in return. Is it just me or is everyone smirking nowadays? Dammit, I haven't copyrighted mine yet. And why the hell are they looking at me as though I was some juicy piece of meat? The ladies had razor-sharp talons, from what I could see. Ok…this was officially getting scary.

They were moving in on me, and normally I would love having two sexy ladies giving me this much attention, but they were pretty freaky and something told me they weren't normal. Why, oh why did Neji have to bring me here?

----------

"I need your help, 'uke."

That got my attention. Neji NEVER needs my help. He's perfect, a Boy Wonder.

"In exchange, I'll help you track down your pink bunny vibrator." My admiration for Neji rose. He knew JUST how to play his cards. He's very skilled at negotiation.

"What is it?" I'm having my eighth bottle of tequila, and this must be my twelfth pack of cigarettes in the span of 10 hours. I'm in mourning for my vibrator.

"I need you to help me infiltrate the Sunagakure. It's the district on the shadier side of town, I'm sure you've heard of it."

Of course I've heard of it, who hasn't? It's Sin City, it's Las Vegas version 1, it's my dream home. Debaunchery on the streets, alcohol and narcotics overflowing…it was a sinner's unrepentant heaven.

"I need you along coz I'm gonna be posing as a pimp."

I was hysterical. NEJI was gonna be a pimp daddy? This was rich! Count me in!

Wait. If Neji's the pimp…that means that I'm…

"Like hell I'm gonna be a pros!" I'm snarling at him. It's not that I'm hurt he considers me a whore, heck I'm James Bond after all. But I refuse to masquerade as a woman. How degrading was that? If Neji thought that just because I let him be on top then I was a woman, he was dead wrong. I was so incensed, I downed the entire bottle of Jose Cuervo. Instantly the world started spinning. Whoa. Guess I wasn't ready for that much alcohol yet.

"I knew you'd say that. Guess the Kitsune will always be a better pros than you. He's much sexier as a female too." Neji's turned away from me, sipping sedately at his bottle of Ballantine's. Yeah he's a whisky drinker. It suits him too, his voice resembles that amber water of life. He's smooth, heady, intoxicating. And I know that I'm drunk when I start comparing people's voices to alcoholic beverages.

Did Neji just say that someone's better than me?

"You know what, I'll do it. I'd make a better pros than that Kitsune any day!"

Alright, I'm officially drunk. What the fuck did I just say?

----------

Blondie's ear-ring started beeping. Scowling, she pressed it, cocked her head. She seemed to be listening to something, but I couldn't pay much attention to her. Buns was trying to get her hand up my skirt. I KNEW IT. They were freakin' dykes. Ordinarily I loved lesbians, they made for erotic threesomes. But somehow it wasn't so erotic now that I was a girl. Guess now I understand how people feel when uncle hits on them. It's a wonder what Iruka saw in him.

"Alright the two of you can go in. You'll be escorted to the Boss." Blondie's miffed that she lost the chance to grope me. Whoever you are who beeped her, I love you.

I barely make it through the door, with Neji by my side, when I'm getting groped all over by sweaty, horny men. Normally I'd be fine with it, but I was supposed to be a girl and if their hands went a hair's breadth higher they'd know I'm all male and our covers would be blown. There is no way in hell I'm gonna let anyone know that their god Lucifer turned trannie.

"Back off, guys. They're the Boss's guests."

It's Smoke. What the hell is she doing here?

"Hey, Lucy." She's grinning. "Short for Lucifer, huh Neji?"

What the hell…how did this girl know everything? I thought I was the only one with an IQ that didn't run in the double digits! Regardless, I'm so grateful to see her here, I could kiss her. Obviously I don't do that, because it would ruin my very perfectly applied red lipstick.

Smoke's leading us to the back of the room, where two huge, identical guys with painted faces are standing guard beside a wrought-iron door.

"They're here to see the Kazekage, Kankuro." Smoke's talking to one of them, while I feel the entire room of men eyeing me. Is this what terror is?

The door swings open, we're led through a maze of winding passages. I ask Smoke how come she's here and how she knows mine and Neji's identities.

She shrugs. "I know a lot of people." That's all she says. Well, now I know that this is one dangerous lady.

She looks better tonight, not as good as me, but her odd charm more than makes up for it. Though I can't seem to get my mind around it. Why would Smoke be in the seediest district in town, and why is she escorting us to the Boss of Sunagakure? Was she his aide? Or was, heaven forbid, Trowa the Boss? If so then would Neji and I be killed for this undercover operation? I refuse to die in this ridiculous get-up! I've already planned what I'm gonna wear when I die, and it's a far cry from this hooker attire. I refuse to let anyone see me in a pink, frilly, g-string. How Neji got it on me, I'll never understand. Oh yeah. He has talented hands.

We reach the end of the maze at last, and Smoke pushed open a heavy door. Inside, it was lit in red. Very seductive atmosphere. I'm impressed. Maybe I should remodel my room.

We step in, and Smoke goes to a figure hidden by a sheer curtain. In the dim light I can barely make out several others in the room with us. I recognize none, but I think Neji remembers a few of their faces from the CIA's Most Wanted list, judging by the slight widening of his eyes. His Byakugan allows him to see in the dark, as his eyes are practically reflectors of light, they're pure silvery white and pupil-less. I've often wondered how he can see colors. Oh well. Semen is white, and holes are black. That's all he needs to know, right?

"Lucy will work next door." A voice like…malt. Somehow perfectly suited to Neji's voice of whisky. I wonder who's behind the curtain. Smoke has disappeared. "Neil will stay here to…talk business." I can tell from the tone of voice that something's up. I look to Neji, he shrugs. What can the two of us do against so many armed guards?

I allow one to escort me next door, all the while mentally screaming death threats. I had to work next door? Oh PLEASE don't let it be one of those kinky massage parlors, or bondage houses! Or worse, S&M! I was NOT into those things! Please oh please just let it be straight, normal sex that involved just penises and holes. Oh wait. I couldn't even let them know that I was a guy! Oh shit oh fuck oh tra la la-ing donkey!

I think the guard heard my very faint, very manly whimper. He looked down at me (even wearing heels the fucking bastard was still taller than me!) and smirked. I was officially scared out of my wits.

Hmm…maybe I should seduce him into letting me run away? Judging by his appreciative glances, it wouldn't be hard. I figure a hand in his pants and a warm mouth on his exposed chest should do it. Heck, I was getting turned on thinking about it. He wasn't ugly, not by a long shot. He was quite gorgeous, with long silver hair, and glowing green eyes. And that body…I shivered. Wait, not good. My dress was short enough, I didn't need to get turned on!

Okay…think think…Neji in a thong? Fuck, not good. Getting VERY aroused. Um…Kakashi and dolphins! Oh dammit I don't think I'll ever celebrate Father's Day.

We reach a door, which my escort yanks open. I'm shoved in very roughly and I begin to think that it's time to seduce him and run when I look around.

I see…brown birds. Oh my god. I was supposed to have farm sex! Wait…the birds looked dead. Fuck, that meant I had to be a necrophiliac as well!

"Sephiroth, this the new chick?" I see spiky black hair, and seconds later another gorgeous guy emerges. I feel weak kneed. Well, maybe if I could have some fun with him I wouldn't mind doing the birds.

"Yeah." Sephiroth's voice is a sin in itself. So smooth, yet rough. I find myself wishing that they would let me skip straight to the good old fashioned boinking.

"Alright. Come on. We're short up front. Have you ever waitressed? You look like the type." Spiky's leading me out front, and I'm enjoying the contact with him very much, though I would have preferred it to be Sephiroth holding me. Wait a second. Waitress? What the fuck do I look like, a commoner? I am the great Sasuke Uchiha, you imbecilic fucker. I do NOT waitress.

"No time to brief you on the menu, just write down whatever they say. And remember that today's special is roasted duck." With that, I'm dragged into a Chinese restaurant that looks like something from Chinatown. Every eye in the place turns to me, and I smile weakly. I think I've just become the menu.

"I want wan tan mee, sui gao, prawn chee cheong fun, chao fun, chao mai fun, chao min, sweet potato leaves, lotus root, pork…"

I'm fucked. I had barely written the first thing this stupid boy ordered! His companions, a gently smiling black-haired man, a rakish red-head, and a blonde in a monk get-up look as though it was normal for the little brat to be ordering so much.

"What's the special for today, sexy?" The redhead looks as though he's wishing I'll tell him that I'M the special.

"Ma…ma…Gojyo you shouldn't flirt so in front of your boyfriend, ne?" Blackie's trying to hold down a very enraged blonde monk.

Special? I couldn't remember. Did Spikes tell me? I'm pretty sure he did. But…oh fuck it. No point trying to remember. They're looking at me, and I think I'd better hurry coz blondie looks like he's getting out of the very firm grip his friend has him in.

I guess I have to improvise. But how to improvise when I know next to nothing of waitressing and cheap Chinese restaurants? Alright, what could I remember of the Chinese? Um…Buns from earlier, in her tight Chinese outfit. No, not in the kitchens. Emperors and concubines. Doubt they had it in stock. The vaginal exercises of concubines. Definitely not in the inventory. Goddammit! I couldn't think of any Chinesey food! And they were giving me very odd looks. I have to admit though, the blonde looked damn sexy struggling and panting in the raven-haired guy's grip.

Fuck, I'm getting turned on again.

Okay this was NOT going well. I had to be creative, and it couldn't be sexual! Dammit, my creativity extended ONLY to the kama sutra. Yeah, so what if all my brain cells went to my dick? At least I have a very nice penis, and I've seen them in all shapes and sizes and colors.

The blasted monkey of a child was still staring at me expectantly, and I suspect the redhead with the cockroach hairstyle was thinking more along the lines of dessert. Alright time to get serious, the blondie with purple eyes was looking distinctly ticked off with his red-haired boyfriend's lecherous stares. What was in the kitchens? I recalled seeing some odd type of bird, roasted…fuck? No, shit! Umm….roasted…dick? NO!!! Um…..what do you get when you combine dick and fuck???

That's it! DUCK!

"We have duck with orange, duck with lemon, and duck surprise!" I felt so proud of myself.

"What's duck surprise?" AGH! Dammit you stupid monkey-boy! Now I have to think again!

"That's…duck with no orange or lemon!" There, I was officially a genius. And by the looks on their faces, they were probably stumped by my intellect. Heh. Damn, I'm good.

----------------

"We should not be unhappy that we have so little, we should instead be unhappy that we cannot give more."

That was what a priest told me, not too long ago. And for those of you who don't believe I went to church, well you guys are absolutely right. I didn't go to church. I met the braided priest in a bar. I chatted him up, or HE chatted me up I can't remember, and we went back to his place. His purple eyes were so earnest as he gave me a sermon, then his eyes rolled back as he came between us. His ass was so tight I thought I'd found Heaven. Then his husband came in, and the guy was drop-dead sexy, with smoldering Prussian eyes, just-out-of-bed hair, and a body that was chiseled by angels. We had a VERY enjoyable time.

When I got home, though, I was stumped. Why were there so many beautiful people in the world? It wasn't fair, dammit. **I** was supposed to be the most beautiful of all! I went into depression, with only the mirror for company. It lasted a day. By which time, Iruka was so frantic, he threatened to turn Kakashi into a eunuch if Uncle K didn't do something. Which led to me and Uncle K having a father-son moment on the couch with chips and beer. Never mind that I was underage at the time, Kakashi cheerfully told an irate Iruka. Mr Budweiser was a very nice man. Halfway through the bonding session of _One Night In Paris_, I had an epiphany.

The reason why there were so many beautiful people in the world, I realized, was so I could boink them all!

I promptly left to spend the night in Hilton, Paris. In every sense of the word. And Kakashi got to make nice Under the Sea music with his dolphin.

--------------

"The restaurant was a front." I'm telling Neji. "They pass out assassination orders through the menu, and customers pay with plastic, even for a measly bowl of soup! I'm guessing that's how they handle transactions between clients and assassins."

Neji's not listening to me. Dammit, what's wrong with him? I had just endured 8 hours in killer heels serving food to extremely hot killers. Now I was nursing blisters the size of strawberries on my feet, and that damned cousin of mine had an odd, dreamy look.

"NEJI HYUUGA!" I yell right into his ear. He's got really sensitive ears. It's fun doing naughty things to them.

He falls off the bed, landing on his perfect ass. I laugh, he looks so idiotic. It's not a common look on him, this confused, embarrassed, wincing Neji is new to me.

He's scowling now. "What?"

I sigh, impatient. Fucking idiot. "Did you hear a single thing I said?"

He looks like he's trying really hard to remember. I take pity on him and pull him up to bed, lying back down with him on top of me. With a sigh, I lean up to kiss him.

What we did after that was of course very enjoyable, and I was interested in knowing where Neji'd picked up his new tricks from. If my guess is right, that shady Kazekage is the reason for my cousin's dreaminess and my extremely sore and satisfied ass. I guess I'd have to pump the information from Neji later. For now I had some urgent matters to settle, and Neji's mouth looked like it was heading in the right direction. South.

--------

"Hi, I'm Naruto Uzumaki." His baby blue eyes are mesmerizing, his smile is shy.

"Sasuke Uchiha." I reach out, shake his hand. A jolt runs through me at the contact. Bastard put a buzzer in his palm.

He giggles at my shudder, and instantly I'm wondering if the buzzer would fit somewhere more…intimate. Say, a certain blonde thief's g-spot?

**A/N:** The duck surprise scene was taken from my favorite British comedy series, FAWLTY TOWERS. While I'm sure Basil Fawlty didn't think of the dick and fuck part, the duck surprise menu is entirely his.

Also, I have never watched One Night In Paris. Wonder what it's like. ;) Just kidding. It's not my kinda thing.

Whisky comes from the Gaelic _uisge/uisce beatha_ meaning "water of life", and is ultimately derived from Latin _aqua vitae._

The food ordered in the Chinese restaurant are some of the more common types. I hope you guys understood the names.


	3. Chapter 3

**Smooth**

**Chapter 3**

**By BluWhispers**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of the characters that you will recognize from various anime, manga, games, books and movies.

**Warning: **This fic might disturb many of you. Firstly, it is YAOI. Meaning, GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY _explicitly_. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though ) Secondly, the author's blatant misuse of characters might send many of you running. Thirdly, well…read at your own risk.

**A/N:** I got the idea from my older sister. Hope you guys like it. This fic will have a different tone from Nine Lives. Basically, this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. These are NOT journal entries per se. This is Sasuke thinking of what to write in the journal. SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!

**Summary:** Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke's chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, cross-dressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsa-people (grins evilly), NejiSasu, KakaIru, NejiGaara, and lots more!

Rikouchan, this is a gift for you!

Also, thanks for the reviews everyone! It's great knowing that you guys like my work. I'll do better for you guys. I try to reply to each review individually, (Yeah, I'm from the old school) but it's kinda hard to do that for the anonymous souls. So anyway, this is a great big THANK YOU to all you guys who reviewed.

……………………………

Well…this was a new situation. Meeting the infamous Hokage was always a dubious honor. The stories I'd heard about this lady were many and varied. Some say she was a princess, some that her dad or granddad was the original Godfather. Whatever the case, she controlled the better part of the underground, being blessed with sheer size of territory and the talents within her given area. Not to mention, the Kitsune had sworn undying loyalty to her.

Since I'd helped Neji at Sunagakure, he'd found out quite a lot of facts about the Kitsune. Most notable was the fact that the blonde was an infamous thief, and that he'd been genetically modified as a child, carrying a sort of secret weapon in his stomach.

Who the hell puts secret WMDs in the stomach of a newborn baby?

Anyway as I was saying, I was being led to meet the esteemed Hokage. I wasn't blind-folded, apparently it was a sign of faith and trust – sinner to sinner.

Smoke led me to wooden sliding doors, pulling them aside for me to enter. How this lady gets to be everywhere, I have no idea. If my life were a story, I'd say she was one of those plot things that pops up in the story to make sure things go smoothly.

I stepped in, and stared at quite possibly the biggest rack I'd ever seen in my life. Hell, Pam An was barely out of puberty compared to the size of the Hokage's boobs!

"Had enough of a look?" Her voice yanked my attention to her face, and I blinked at how very young she looked. She must've been at least 50, given the stories about her, but the lady sitting before me looked scarcely 25. I HAD to get whatever drug she was on.

She gestured for me to sit, and I did.

"Uchiha Sasuke, this is an honor." She smiled, and I started to realize why guys went mad over MILFs. For me, I'd had a couple older women, but I had enough young ones to keep me occupied. Besides, I didn't like the wrinkles I saw on the moms I'd done when they started getting emotional. Made me realize that one day I'd be like that. "My name is Tsunade. But most refer to me as Hokage."

"I suppose you're wondering what I'd like to speak to you about?" She continued, once I'd responded to her introduction intelligently. "It's about Hogwarts."

Instantly I was rapt, alert. Hogwarts was famous. Every thief's and conman's dream. If you could make off with just ONE of the geishas there, you'd be set for life. But more than that, it was the challenge of succeeding where everyone else had failed and died. The geishas were notorious for their tricks – sleights of hand, illusions. AND they were extremely talented escape artists. It was impossible to tie them down.

Some said they were witches, but this was the 21st century. There were bitches, but no witches.

………………….

Naruto had his pants down and was hastily pumping away at his dick.

"UZUMAKI! THIS IS HARDLY THE TIME FOR MASTURBATION, YOU BLOODY ANIMAL!"

I couldn't believe it. We had Ghosts and the DA (Dumb-Asses) closing in on us, and the freakin' blonde could still get horny? He's definitely a natural blonde.

"Uchiha don't you know ANYTHING? This is the Kyuubi specialty! Remember how Naruto's got a genetically modified weapon placed in his stomach? Well, if he pumps himself just right, his ejaculation becomes high-velocity projectiles!"

This was the biggest load of crap I'd ever heard. The exploding cum?

I didn't realize I'd said it out loud till Lee nodded and said "Yeah something like that."

There's a roar outside the room, the guards of Hogwarts are coming closer. Alright, if this is how it had to be…I shove Lee aside, and help Naruto pump faster on his erection. Damn, he looked good. Maybe I should just shove my dick in…no no we're about to die, must help Naruto masturbate. Pump, pump, pump!

The door is shredded, and the green-eyed scarred geisha poster boy's standing there, looking very angry. I'm pumping so hard, my muscles are aching. Will Naruto just bloody CUM?!

"Now, Naruto! Cum! CUM!!!!" I'm screaming, and so is Lee. Finally Naruto throws back his head, and he yells out some gibberish (sounded vaguely like ShiShiRendan, I didn't know he still used the baby language for piss). Lee's hands are over mine, guiding Naruto's erection as it shoots out gallons of sticky white liquid. I watch fascinated as the liquid explodes on impact with the wall. Maybe Lee was right after all.

Hey this is pretty fun. I can write my name!

"UCHIHA! Focus!"

Oh right. Ok, aim at the DA's and Hogwart's laser weapons. Watch them blow up under the funky semen from the Kitsune. This is really cool!

Oh crap. Naruto's out of semen, and there's more angry geishas approaching. Lee's in his taijutsu stance, and he looks like a freakin' idiot. These geishas have laser guns and lightsabers! And he wants to take it to hand-to-hand combat. Oh waddling duck!

Apparently the geishas aren't prized for their intelligence. A red-head just threw down his "wand" and leapt at Lee. Some others are following suit, notably two huge burly guys. Lee finishes them easily.

Naruto's still on the ground panting. I can see that Lee's tiring already, it's not easy taking on hundreds of pissed off geisha. Well, I guess I'd have to use the Sharingan.

I stand up, take a deep breath. Instantly the entire Hogwarts focuses on me. What can I say? I'm charming.

I focus, and instantly I feel the chip whir to life in my brain. When I open my eyes, the swirling Sharingan instantly enlightens the assembly as to who I am. I concentrate, hone the energy. And envelope the room (with the exception of Lee and Naruto) in my mind warp. I put Hogwarts into a nightmare, they'll meet in Dreamscape somewhere. For now, I need to rest. I think I overworked my brain, my vision's getting hazy.

It's strange. In this blur, Naruto actually looks like he cares about me.

But that's ridiculous. We're thieves, conmen, liars, prostitutes.

He looks beautiful though. Then I can't see him anymore, instead I'm reliving the trauma of my past.

Itachi, I haven't forgotten. I'll kill you someday. It's because of you, my perfect childhood was wrecked. Why the hell did you do it?

Why the hell did you take part in the pageant and steal the first prize from me?

**A/N**: Ok that was short. Sorry! I've been busy moving! And Rikou, I haven't forgotten! I still gotta beta your work! Thanks for being so patient, everyone!


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